Bah. It is nearly 3 am

Bah. It is nearly 3 am here in Peach Land and I am still awake. Sore. Tired. A little sad. Nervous. And almost sleepy. I was suposed to get back on my computer tonight and talk to Jamie but I got sidetracked doing "stuff" around the house and whoa.... it was like 2 am before I realized the time. Seemed like only a few minutes passed since the kids went to bed. I hope she forgives me. Lowell is sleeping , of course. Snoring even. He worked hard helping me get the house ready for that lady to come tomorrow. errr um today now I guess. I hope he stops that snore bit before I go climb in bed. All I have left to do tomorrow . err today... is clean the girls room back up, wash some clothes, clean my desk off and my side of the bedroom. Sounds like a lot, I know. But it won't take long. At least I hope not. I woke up this morning from a terrible dream about my Uncle passing away. I can't remember when or how, but I know he suffered, I felt it. I woke up in tears. I called Connie ( my Dr. ) today too. I was trying to tell her that I was NOT coming in to take those steriod injections today for this week. She jumped my case and I let her rant a while. Then I told her I was sick of my family hating me, sick of being a total bitch to everyone for no good reason, that I had that lady coming tomorrow and so much on my mind, and that I just needed a break ! I was crying again by the time I got all of that out. She sighed a little and said "Ok Sweetheart, I will see you next week then and we will do the blood work to see if they are even working." I felt some better. I was cleaning out the van tonight and found the clippers Lowell could not find months ago. I also found the big envelope that I had stuffed Dad's wallet and check book and other papers in when I was using them so often to take care of his affairs. I cried. I was in the kitchen cleaning up and Lowell called me into the office. He was in there trying to sort through the mountain of papers on his desk and came across a piece of mail he wanted me to see. I came in, followed by my oldest son and held out my hand for the letter. It was a check. A check for $10.00. Dated back in Feb. of this year. There was a sticky note on it that said something about getting my address from Skill Staff and something else I didn't get a chance to read all of. The check was made out to my Dad. Something about a refund on his uniforms that I turned in for him afterhe passed away. I lost it. I tried to stop it, I walked out of the house. Robbie was calling my name and I ignored him walking right out the front door. I got to the van and BAM ! There was no more stopping the tears. I had snot running out of my nose, tears all down my face and I could hardly even take a breath. You know how a child cries when they are in trouble and they can't seem to calm down? Their voice stutters and they just can not figure out how to make it stop? That is how I felt. I felt a hand on my back and was sure it was Robbie. I couldn't even look up to see. Soon I heard Lowell come out too. He said something about " It will be ok Honey" and I snapped at him and said "No it's not. It will never be 'OK' again !!! " I cried some more. I promise, I really tried not to cry like that in front of my child. I know it upsets him to see me like that. I told him I was sorry, that I just didn't know how I was suposed to go on without Dad. He just stood there, wiping his own tears. Poor kid. *sigh* So, there you have it. I'm sore from bending over in the van to clean it. I'm tired because I have been working all day long on this , that or the other. I'm a little sad because I cried a lot today and I really miss my Daddy. I'm nervous about the Home Evaluation for Foster Care thing tomorrow evening at 6 pm. And, I am past "almost sleepy" now and full into super sleepy. So, I am going to go to bed, make Lowell roll over to stop snoring, put in my ear plugs in case he does it again, and go to sleep after I pray. Night all.